How to Improve Communication

"Love is everything it's cracked up to be... It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, your risk is even greater."

– Erica Jong

Communication Challenges

Whether it's the same argument repeated over and over, or you've read all the marriage self-help books and nothing seems to work, the chances are high that you and your partner are extremely frustrated.

Often both people in a relationship feel they are right and if they only used the right words, or used the right tone of voice, the other person would "see the light" and everything would improve.

Sometimes it can be as simple as one of you feeling like you're just plain done. You detatch. You walk away. You do everything possible to avoid talking. Maybe you absorb yourself in work, or dealing with the kids. The last thing you want to do is go through THAT hell again, repeating the same stressful argument, but now in front of someone else.

My role as a counselor in communication

If you haven't already noticed, there are all sorts of fancy descriptions counselors use to describe how they work. Some counselors are really into your family of origin and how it relates to your behavior today. Others focus on the here and now. Some do both.

Have you ever really disliked someone, whether it's a coworker or a friend of a friend? Then you hear some tragic news, or see that person be vulnerable and your heart softens? This is exactly what I try to help happen in the room. It is more complex to soften, however, when you've got such a long, intimate history with someone. This is why a third party like a trained marriage counselor can be very useful.

My interest is not in giving you homework or having you practice "When you ____, it makes me feel____" statements. My role is more that of guide and (as needed) a safety net as I push each of you to dig deeper inside yourself and get to the underlying emotions you're feeling. When you've got a handle on what your emotions are – the soft emotions, the vulnerable ones hiding behind the anger or rationalizations – and can say them to a partner you know can hear them, whole new worlds of possibility open up to both of you.

Serving couples and individuals in Roseville, Shoreview, Lauderdale, Saint Paul, Falcon Heights, New Brighton, Little Canada, Arden Hills, and anywhere in the Twin Cities